Feels like I'm dying inside.

43 minutes into "the day of love", and my boyfriend tells me how "women" are biologically inferior to men.

You will believe, what you want to believe. If you don't want to have an open mind about it, if you want to ignore existing instances of women's competency in sports and focus on your "own" experiences, good luck to you.

It hurts me so much that I just cannot speak to you anymore.

I've tried, but I just cannot.

You see, I have a crush on you.

A crush that just won't go away.

I long to hold you.

And now that I know that it is NEVER going to happen, I can see traces of US ripping away.

I've lost a friend. A friend I LOVED so dearly. This emptiness just wont go away. I find chiding myself for falling so hopelessly for someone. This is against my very being of self-freedom and self-love. Its a real ego crusher alright.

And since I cannot love you, and since you do not love me, and since I cannot make you love me, I can't see you anymore. I cannot talk to you anymore.

There is venom of resentment that is building up and has made me thoroughly bitter inside. Yes, I am better towards you. And in effect the world.

This is the reason I hate everyone, or rather, don't seem to be able to love anyone.

Then again, this is all just thoughts in my head.

I do not know myself. Its like my mind is functioning independent of me. Or like there's another me inside me who cannot let you go.

NO! I do not want to be in a relationship with you.

Its much more...maybe a reason to validate my existence, to know for sure that there is one person on this planet who loves me unconditionally, without expectations and judgements.

Sadly, its not you. So it pains me.

And if not you, of all the people, then who else?

This only means one thing - I am alone.
Everyone is.

And that's the reason I cannot speak to you. All attempts get throttled by a lump in my throat. I just want to scream but don't know how.

1,465

And yet so alone

On Aliens

So Aliens are basically humans from the future who have travelled back to time to warn humanity of something.

If you look at the widely popular imagery associated with aliens - the big head to body proportion difference, the big eyes, can be simply attributed to human evolution. For example, it is a scientifically proven fact that the size of the human skull is increasing and will continue to do so. Because there is such less activity that we do with our bodies, there will come a time when humans will figure the most optimised body type - small, runs on less energy.
Scientists also predict that the humans of future will all be pale wheatish in colour with big round eyes. This is because there will come a day when all races of the earth would've finally mingled completely!
Another few hundred thousand years and the earth is dying as pollution, nuclear waste completely blocks the sun out. Its darkness everywhere. Consequently, the eyes become 'black' with the pupils dilated fully to soak in more light and the skin becomes leathery thick to withstand the harsh temperature fluctuations.
So yes, those 'aliens' who crashed at Roswell and have been sighted all over the world, are just us from the future!!
Now that's a theory.

Why am I still awake?

Well let's see. For starters, I can't for the love of god find my wallet. Other thoughts swimming in my head include:
The pending NGO work that just doesn't seem to get over.
What would it feel like to have my own house.
I can feel my insides decaying I should probably stop smoking.
How funny is life, humans and their ways.
Why do we never appreciate what we have?
Why do we always yearn for more?
I also have to finish editing about four videos. So that's quite a task.
A work client who hasn't gotten back to me with a gig yet.
How everyone in this town wants to get work done for free.
Is this the life I really want?
Will my life ever get better?
When will I die? Under what circumstances?
This smart kid.
You. How ungrateful you are.
And many more such things.
Gotta end the list cuz now I just wanna smoke, kill myself a little.

How can I possibly continue to love someone who doesn't even acknowledge my feelings?

It just isn't worth it.

While its sad to see you go, I know its in my best interest.

There will be a void, yes
I am hurt, yes

But there's nothing one can do about it.

I will simply back away.

I don't want to hear from you.
I don't want to miss you.

I don't feel human

How does one spend time, if not stalking people on fb or smoking up??