Maybe, like puberty, being in love or wanting to be loved too is an age bound phase - you outgrow it eventually. You 'grow up'

I just got lost somewhere.

Umarein Lagi Kehate Huve, Do Labj The Ik Baat Thi
Woh Ik Din Sau Saal Ka, Sau Saal Ki Woh Raat Thi
Kaisa Lage Jo Chup Chaap Dono,
Ho Pal Pal Mein Puri Sadiyaan Bitaayein

Pretty content. And excited.

Being beautiful is common
You have to be one of a kind

By the Poet

You had me at the use of full words while texting.

Do I have a problem with Authority?

the answer would be a Big YESSS!

:D

I need you to stop me from killing myself a little everyday.

The feeling of have someone love me back, I guess is something I'll never realise in my life.

Be Present

I miss her.

Some Love Stories
You talk during lunch break every day.

Some Love Stories
You cry with Joy when they say they're getting married.

Some Love Stories
They're at the door everyday with coffee for the two of you.

Some Love Stories
They make you feel giddy inside.

Some Love Stories
You check their Facebook despite them not being on your friend list anymore cuz you just wanna know they're happy
everyday.

Feeling Melancholic

I feel like I'm singing for someone I can't see. An unknown person. Maybe someone who's as broken as me. Someone who will be proud, happy for every moment spent together. Fuck. My mind just told me I should die. My body tells me I'm dying. It feels empty and cold inside. I can't stop crying. I don't know why I'm crying.

A few minutes later...

Feeling much better now.

The way I am

I recovered my old phone and along with it this, some thing I'd written a while back. I can't help the way I am, I don't understand myself but this is an attempt towards it...

I don't want to be a jerk
But infedilty runs in my blood.
From my mother's father
Who had three wives
To my father's mother
Who I think told me once she got married twice.
The list of adulterers in my family is quite long
It wouldn't be untrue to say
They either know too much or too less about love.
And thus when it came to my parents too
By circumstances it chance
They each got married twice.
So how could I escape this vice?

1st September was an historic day - today I took my first Selfie ever to send to someone!! :D

We were browsing
The scar on your hand
I wanted to reach out 
And kiss it.

All of us are lonely.
The least we can do it feel.lonely together.

The Last Cigarette

My first brush with a cigarette was when I was six. I was in my mother's maternal village and I noticed that my tallo ghar neighbour tossed off a butt he had just finished. I picked it up with a
Swoop, ran home and closed the doors. I lit it and took a drag. I coughed and how, nose burning and running, eyes burning and tears rolling. I thought I was gonna die.
When I was nine my best friend and I hatched a plan- that we were gonna be "bad girls", smoke but be a very good in front of everyone else; things like active participation in church activities. I don't really remember the motivation behind it.
When I was in 12th a friend, her cousin and I bought three sticks. They knew what brand to buy. We then sneaked to a secluded path way and smoked it. Don't remember the motivation behind it either but I just wanted to try I guess.
When I was in college, a smoker friend would come home with cigarettes for us both. I smoked two cigarettes every weekend for a year. Till I think a cooler friend moved into town and she started to hang out with her instead of me.
I think the 2nd year of college was fairly uneventful. Till I joined my first marketing job. Most of the girls there smoked. It was cool. But that was never my motivation. I was just going through shit at that time.
By the time this year came, I was a certified smoker AND and occasional stoner.
Four years ago I moved to Bombay and the habit has grown and taken over my life. My health is deteriorating and I can feel my insides dying.
So I am going to make this drama free and just do it - go cold turkey. It's for myself and no one else. Because it's just better.

Ghost

"When I look upon the past with her, she disappears without me noticing.
Or maybe she may not have existed from the start."

https://youtu.be/ao4o-XRU_KM

Art

Look at the seemingly mundane. Its justly teasing out a value that has been neglected by a world with a deeply distorted and unfair sense of what truly matters. Art returns glamour to it's rightful place, highlighting what is genuinely worth appreciating.

Saw a video

On Punctuality

I am always late. Like, always.

Life is short
Not short enough

I'm a Monster :(

I'm rude to rickshaw drivers.

I saw the shadows on the wall go from latticed to flood white, the hands my back, neck and stomach craved never came.

To be wrapped around someone's arms, has to be greatest feelings of all time.

"I want you here with me" is not the same as "I don't mind having you here"

Money

Up until now I have despised money!

But watching Game of Thrones made me reuse, if not for money, men's main occupation would still be killing each other.

Let me kiss your mouth,
Lest it be my last.

Saturday Evening

I realised, once again, it was only I who spoke. I never asked you how you felt.

I just assumed, of course, you don't love me, so I answered for you and told you that I can't imagine 'being' with you. I lied. I have often pictured us staying together. But I quickly dismiss them aside. My mind tells me, why imagine something that isn't going to happen. The truth is, us being together would be the most natural thing, in an ideal world, it would be so. Relationships are complicated. I am scared, as with all relationships, we will start hating each other. Maybe all relationships dont end this way. May be, with the ones we're meant to be with, this doesnt happen. 

We have one life. I'd rather spend it KNOWING, EXPERIENCING, and if something isn't working out, tough luck.

Monday afternoon, trying to do my work, but the hollow feeling in my heart says I miss you.

No, there is no closure still.

Having told you all that I did, there still is so much more that I didn't.

What I need is a definitive answer from you.

You know that I love you and you know that your answer is not going to make a difference to our friendship.

I want you to be honest, blunt, I need to hear the words.

So is it

A) I love you too, if you want, we can be together also.

B) I love you too, but we cannot be together for xyz reason. 

C) I love you very much, but only as a friend. I just cannot see you that way...

D) EVERYTHING you want to tell me.

If your answer is A, that would make me happy and give me butterflies in my stomach.

If your answer is B, I completely understand but I want to hear your arguments.

If your answer is C, I completely understand that too. But I will probably feel bad so will withdraw for sometime and act needy at the same time. Please hold my hand through it. I will take time but I will be alright eventually. And I need a BIG gesture from you to ensure that your feelings towards me as a friend is not diminised, or even if it is, I want you to tell me that and if you want, you too can withdraw and act needy at the same time and I will hold your hand through it.

D...

Thursday Afternoon:

You know how you said, you don't know whats missing in your life?

I know that hollow feeling, I have experienced it too.

I have EVERYTHING going in my life, yet I am unhappy. 

So I think its you, you are missing from my life. I think thats what my soul misses.

You are home. I think. 

When we want to believe in something, we make up lies around it to fit our notions. May be its just that.

My mother used to tell me often "K ko saathi-saathi?!" "K ko jaile taile ko saathi-saathi"

Today, after having flown 500 miles to a city I've never been before, after taking a loan to arrange for tickets, after having laundered money I should've ideally used to pay my phone bill, and chose to fly all the way here, ignoring my deadlines and compromising my professional relationships, right at this moment, my mother's word ring in my ears.

Now I know she was right.

But

I will not feel sorry for myself, no. (Only assholes feel sorry for themselves)

I will not reduce my gesture that was borne out of immense love and fondness, and call it a foolish decision (as my mind is trying to convince me)

I'm glad I made this trip. It's been... pivotal.

For starters I realised that I was living in a state of nostalgia. I so desperately am trying to hold on to something, something that has... Died... Maybe a while ago.

Here I was, determined, that I want to salvage the friendship.

Because there was a time, a long time ago, where you taught me love myself. And for that I'm grateful. Indebted.

But today, I know, that we can't even continue to be FRIENDS.

This changes everything.
I will never be able to look you in the eyes, I will never look at your face. And I cannot physically bring myself to talk to you. There's always a lump in my throat.

Things will never ever go back to how they were before. I will never get that feeling again. People outgrow each other and that's perfectly okay.

I wish you all the happiness in the world (I have never wanted anything else for you) and all the best for your new life.

"If we meet again, why we shall smile.
Else, tis a parting well made."

Sorry. Not sorry.

"I know, and I love you too." simply, is how I should've ended the conversation this afternoon.
I know.
I know that you read this.
I want you to know that at this point, the only thing that matters to me are all the countless ways in which you have been a blessing in my life. These are the memories I want to be associated with you. None of the unrequited love venom spewing inside me.

I am ached by what I feel is the loss of a 'together' you and I could've made.  Its like something inside you is dying.

It will not be easy being 'just friends' with you. But I love you too much to not make the effort. Do you know? I planned on writing to you, formally, that I have to stop being friends with you. That I just can't hear stories of you being with someone else. I feel like a lovesick schoolboy! (A little sensitivity would help.)

The chances of you and I being together are none, I know that. I have accepted the truth and made my peace with it a long time ago. That you are never going to be mine. I cant be yours. This life was not meant for us. And that's okay.

But I believe that you love me too.
All I need is this piece of honesty from you.

"You will not keep each other happy. You guys are too alike."

-- that's what she said

I like to think that, that you too are pining for me, and it was this that she recognised in you.

I want to believe right now that there will come a day when none of this will matter.

That the lump in my throat,
The sting in my eyes,
And the aching feeling from the void left behind

Will all be lost,
Somewhere.

I have mastered the art of repulsing people.

When I meet people, sometimes, I imagine what their faces would look in the middle of some passionate sex; I wonder what words would they would utter in the throes of passion.

Discovered this
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lovesickness

I don't feel like doing anyyyyything.

Timi bina mann nai mandaina ni ta.
:(

I know I'm going to destroy everything.

I just want to roll around,
Laze around my bed,
With you by my side.

Nothing special.

I just want to meet with you and discuss the things we loathe.

Tell me how bad your day has been.

Whine about whatever you want.

I don't care.

I just want to hear you.

Was going through the songs list on my computer, and I saw an old favourite.
Then, I remembered you.
And how you had once sent me a text.
Which

OMG!
I HAVE GOT TO STOP BRING SO HOPELESSLY SENTIMENTAL!!

I can't breathe

When you love someone, you feel angry at them.

I should get a certificate for saying the most inappropriate, self humiliating things to people I have even the slightest interest in.

I am scared of pretty girls.

Sometimes nothing is enough to distract you.

Gays be warned

Coming out is a complicated process and it can have various consequences for different people. While you gain things like peace with yourself, you also lose some - for example, if you are gay, be assured that you will always sleep alone, in a separate bed, and even if on the same bed, with different blankets. Your friends don't even want to touch you accidentally. And no matter how cold it is, they will never cuddle with you, and your feet will remain as cold as not being under a blanket. It's like they think gayness will spread to them!

It always feels like I haven't spent enough time with you.

Feels like I'm dying inside.

43 minutes into "the day of love", and my boyfriend tells me how "women" are biologically inferior to men.

You will believe, what you want to believe. If you don't want to have an open mind about it, if you want to ignore existing instances of women's competency in sports and focus on your "own" experiences, good luck to you.

It hurts me so much that I just cannot speak to you anymore.

I've tried, but I just cannot.

You see, I have a crush on you.

A crush that just won't go away.

I long to hold you.

And now that I know that it is NEVER going to happen, I can see traces of US ripping away.

I've lost a friend. A friend I LOVED so dearly. This emptiness just wont go away. I find chiding myself for falling so hopelessly for someone. This is against my very being of self-freedom and self-love. Its a real ego crusher alright.

And since I cannot love you, and since you do not love me, and since I cannot make you love me, I can't see you anymore. I cannot talk to you anymore.

There is venom of resentment that is building up and has made me thoroughly bitter inside. Yes, I am better towards you. And in effect the world.

This is the reason I hate everyone, or rather, don't seem to be able to love anyone.

Then again, this is all just thoughts in my head.

I do not know myself. Its like my mind is functioning independent of me. Or like there's another me inside me who cannot let you go.

NO! I do not want to be in a relationship with you.

Its much more...maybe a reason to validate my existence, to know for sure that there is one person on this planet who loves me unconditionally, without expectations and judgements.

Sadly, its not you. So it pains me.

And if not you, of all the people, then who else?

This only means one thing - I am alone.
Everyone is.

And that's the reason I cannot speak to you. All attempts get throttled by a lump in my throat. I just want to scream but don't know how.

1,465

And yet so alone

On Aliens

So Aliens are basically humans from the future who have travelled back to time to warn humanity of something.

If you look at the widely popular imagery associated with aliens - the big head to body proportion difference, the big eyes, can be simply attributed to human evolution. For example, it is a scientifically proven fact that the size of the human skull is increasing and will continue to do so. Because there is such less activity that we do with our bodies, there will come a time when humans will figure the most optimised body type - small, runs on less energy.
Scientists also predict that the humans of future will all be pale wheatish in colour with big round eyes. This is because there will come a day when all races of the earth would've finally mingled completely!
Another few hundred thousand years and the earth is dying as pollution, nuclear waste completely blocks the sun out. Its darkness everywhere. Consequently, the eyes become 'black' with the pupils dilated fully to soak in more light and the skin becomes leathery thick to withstand the harsh temperature fluctuations.
So yes, those 'aliens' who crashed at Roswell and have been sighted all over the world, are just us from the future!!
Now that's a theory.

Why am I still awake?

Well let's see. For starters, I can't for the love of god find my wallet. Other thoughts swimming in my head include:
The pending NGO work that just doesn't seem to get over.
What would it feel like to have my own house.
I can feel my insides decaying I should probably stop smoking.
How funny is life, humans and their ways.
Why do we never appreciate what we have?
Why do we always yearn for more?
I also have to finish editing about four videos. So that's quite a task.
A work client who hasn't gotten back to me with a gig yet.
How everyone in this town wants to get work done for free.
Is this the life I really want?
Will my life ever get better?
When will I die? Under what circumstances?
This smart kid.
You. How ungrateful you are.
And many more such things.
Gotta end the list cuz now I just wanna smoke, kill myself a little.

How can I possibly continue to love someone who doesn't even acknowledge my feelings?

It just isn't worth it.

While its sad to see you go, I know its in my best interest.

There will be a void, yes
I am hurt, yes

But there's nothing one can do about it.

I will simply back away.

I don't want to hear from you.
I don't want to miss you.

I don't feel human

How does one spend time, if not stalking people on fb or smoking up??