Last December I fell in love. May be it was just the cold chills of the season that made me long for someone’s arms to cuddle, sip hot chocolate fudge with... I donno. In this situation I did what anyone else would’ve done, I showered all my love on someone who, turns out, didn’t deserve it at all… again. But man was I madly in love. I even wrote an email to that person but somehow never procured enough guts to actually send it. I’m a chicken. I admit it. But I’ve been through this enough times to know that it hurts like hell. Yet I persisted. Needless to say it ended as suddenly as it had started. Summer came and the melting snow carried away my love with it. But the roots of the winter flower remain and haunt me, hurt me still. No amount of summer heat can kill the deep roots that have anchored within me. I’m stupid. This email is all that remains of my winter love:
“I donno what to do...it’s a phase I’ve been going through for a long time. Now I know, you'd told me that you could never look at me that way, but I can’t help but fall for you. I know it sounds clichéd but I cannot even express in words what I feel for you. Call me crazy, walking around with my heart on my sleeve, but all I really want is to be loved. Question is, will you give me that love. I can never tell you enough the things I'll do for you. I’d love you more than anyone has ever loved you. I will love you till my heart explodes. I know our days together are numbered and we don’t have a 'future', but wouldn't you rather we spend this time with everything we have to offer for each other. No regrets. I know for a fact that when you leave my heart will suffer a pain so deep I can only imagine in nightmares, but I’m willing to risk my sanity, my future, a broken heart for the few months I might have with you. You’re always on my mind. Can’t sleep at night. All I do is relive our moments together, read your texts over and over again, even if it’s a simple one just asking a question. I don’t want to sound obsessed, but the truth is, I am. I am obsessed.
You’ve turned my world upside down. At this time in my life, I have no clue what’s going to happen next. My life is in the biggest mess possible. Nothing is going right. But I know, for a fact that if you just so much as give me a quarter of your love, my life will be made. Everything will fall into place and I'll be the happiest person on this planet. I can’t stop smiling when I think of you and I’m smiling ALL THE TIME. So much so my cheeks hurt. There’s so much love bottled up inside me that I have to cry just to release it. Cuz I can’t think of any other way. It’s painful, it hurts. It hurts that you are right there in front of me and I can’t help but love this beautiful creature. What I want is for us to hold hands and walk down the street, eat momos outside college, go for movies...I hate it when I’m with you and I have to share your attention with someone else. When I’m with you, I don want anyone else. I don’t need anyone else. I don’t want anyone between us. I want it to be just us.
I am so scared to lose you. Not that you're mine right now or anything. All I want is to see you at least once a day. Have you talk to me at least once a day. All I want is for you to love me. You can’t even imagine the number of times I check your profile jus so I can see what’s happening in your life. Pls love me. Pls love me. That’s all I ask from you. I know it sounds ridiculous. Man I can’t stop thinking of you. You’re on my mind like all the time. I can’t sleep at night. You might find it hard to believe but even inside the exam hall, all I could do was think of you. I think I’m going crazy. And only you can help me get my sanity.
"Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves it into my midnight slumbers!"
Talk about a loser huh. Gosh I don’t understand why I do this to myself. All the f**kin time. I’m sick and tired of this s**t. Ima take this heart of mine and throw it in the garbage bin, where it belongs.
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