I Have Become Comfortably Numb

Why do I feel like im missing out? Jus going over some pictures and the accompanying comments on Facebook made me realize that I had already drifted away from people I once considered my lifeline long before college ended . I donno why but I don feel anything anymore. Im not selfish or stone hearted. They were the best bunch of people I’ve come across in my life. Kind. Thoughtful. Caring. They were everything good. When I first got to know them I was in cloud 9. I couldn’t believe that it was possible for so many good people to be present in one place. Concentrated goodness. I honestly felt this way. But I donno why in my last year, the most crucial year of college I jus stopped connecting to a lot of them. Feeble individual ties were maintained, but the feeling of belonging to a group, the previous sensation of feeling sheltered had vanished towards the end. In fact I started avoiding hanging out in groups. I started to prefer being alone or with only individuals. Not in a group. Why did I do this? I question myself but I haven’t figured the answer myself. One of them told me that ever since I started working id become too wild. But I don think that’s the case. I’ve come to a point where I don’t understand clearly the decisions I take or don’t give a damn about the consequences. It’s escapist perhaps. My mind jus goes numb. I wish I could tell them individually, or even explain to them a small percentage of how much I regret the fact h=that I jus grew aloof. But the truth is I don understand it myself. What other reason can there be? I don feel accountable anymore, not to anyone. It’s easier. But I don’t like it. I want to go back to being the old me, someone who could feel and react like a normal human being, with tears, passion, laughter. I don’t feel anymore. I’ve lost the zeal for things. Lost motivation. Lost interest. In everything. That’s jus sad cuz its not like im married and fat and ugly. Im young. At my youth’s prime. I should be out there doing things with an attitude to conquer the world. Instead I waste my days pining over things that I can’t even define. Over the past. Over what I could’ve done and what I could’ve achieved. Regrets. But since I know I can’t do anything about it I jus let it be. I’ve settled comfortably in this muck of regrets and self pity. Don’t feel like coming out of it. I think im gonna stay here awhile.