Bombay is Awesome because...

Now when I look back, the signs were so obvious and out there any idiot could’ve figured.  There were so many signs. To think of it, the first time I was attracted to another human being, was a girl. She was a senior in my school and I absolutely adored her. I was eleven. Of course there were many after her but I always dismissed them. The idea of homosexuality and the concept of being a lesbian or a bi was so alien that I could not even imagine these general attractions as being anything more. I was in an all girls’ school so it was kind of understood that such things happen; that in the absence of boys it was absolutely normal for teenagers with raging hormones to be attracted to people around them. It will all come to an end once school ends and I go to college and get to interact with boys other than my cousins. But it didn’t turn out that way. I went to college and no point for guessing that here too the first person that I was attracted to was a girl.

But it still didn’t strike me till the time I was in second year. It was in the second year of my college that I kind of started questioning myself and what these attractions meant. The first kiss and the emotional rollercoaster of a ride that a very pretty girl took me for confirmed my doubt. But I still wasn’t willing to believe myself. The question of telling it to anyone else or coming out did not arise at all.

The mess that became of the first relationship that I had, confirmed the lie id been telling myself – that it was just a phase, that its college and it’s ok to experiment and I hadn’t met the right boy yet.

But I did. I did meet the perfect boy, he was kind and soft-spoken. He had the cutest smile and he was an artist. But most importantly he had the patience span of an owl. Yes, he was beautiful.

Which is why I was a bit taken aback when I sat next to the most beautiful girl in class and I felt an empty hollow sensation in my stomach. I was like ‘wait a minute! This isn’t supposed to be happening. I’ve already met the perfect boy and he’s beautiful and he loves me and I love him so much.’ Then I told myself, ‘there’s nothing wrong in appreciating beauty and if there is a side of me that is attracted to girls, so be it.’ I donno what I was high on when this moment of epiphany occurred.

And I started to think about the entire issue in a very systematic and pragmatic and practical way. I calculated that I was in Bombay for the next nine months, let me just say it out loud. Let me just see how people react to it. Worst case scenario, I’ll be a social outcast; people will probably call me a dyke and bully me. But let me take the risk. If these things do in fact happen with me, I will lose a maximum of seven-eight months. The idea behind it was very simple. Bombay is a new city. It’s a clean slate. It’s a fresh start. Let me say it out aloud once. Let the ‘truth’ be out there and let it be so big that I have no option but to not only face it but most importantly acknowledge it and accept it. I wasn’t expecting anything out of it and I figured that even if things do go wrong, I could always go back inside the closet, move back to Delhi, get married, have kids etc. basically the whole hetero thing. But now I know, there’s no real difference between the two, except that one day if I do find someone unbearingly attractive and fall in love and have that person love me truly and if and if the person happens to be a woman, I would not be able to marry her.

So the very first time I went drinking with my new classmates I did it. I said it out loud ‘I am bi and I have no qualms about accepting it and until recently I was madly in love with a woman.’ The reaction was anything but what I had expected. My friends were totally cool about the whole thing. They were like good for you!!’ I was totally shocked at the way they reacted. The fact that they accepted me with such open arms, made my whole journey of self-acceptance so much easier. I felt like I was breathing for the first time after twenty three years. It was like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt so incredibly light. When you hide such a huge truth about yourself not only from others but even from yourself you are bound to be an unhappy person; you are bound to have issues with yourself. 
The rest as they say is history. Four months after shifting to Bombay I went for my first queer meeting. There has been no looking back since. I helped in the organization and participated actively in the Queer Pride Week and March held from 21^st to 28^th January, 2012.

When I first move to Bombay seven months ago, I had had a lot of expectations out of this city. People say Mumbai is the city of dreams. One either hates Bombay or loves it to its core – right to the crowded locals to the new stench that’s peculiar and different with each passing station. 
I love Bombay because its the city I found myself.