Money

Up until now I have despised money!

But watching Game of Thrones made me reuse, if not for money, men's main occupation would still be killing each other.

Let me kiss your mouth,
Lest it be my last.

Saturday Evening

I realised, once again, it was only I who spoke. I never asked you how you felt.

I just assumed, of course, you don't love me, so I answered for you and told you that I can't imagine 'being' with you. I lied. I have often pictured us staying together. But I quickly dismiss them aside. My mind tells me, why imagine something that isn't going to happen. The truth is, us being together would be the most natural thing, in an ideal world, it would be so. Relationships are complicated. I am scared, as with all relationships, we will start hating each other. Maybe all relationships dont end this way. May be, with the ones we're meant to be with, this doesnt happen. 

We have one life. I'd rather spend it KNOWING, EXPERIENCING, and if something isn't working out, tough luck.

Monday afternoon, trying to do my work, but the hollow feeling in my heart says I miss you.

No, there is no closure still.

Having told you all that I did, there still is so much more that I didn't.

What I need is a definitive answer from you.

You know that I love you and you know that your answer is not going to make a difference to our friendship.

I want you to be honest, blunt, I need to hear the words.

So is it

A) I love you too, if you want, we can be together also.

B) I love you too, but we cannot be together for xyz reason. 

C) I love you very much, but only as a friend. I just cannot see you that way...

D) EVERYTHING you want to tell me.

If your answer is A, that would make me happy and give me butterflies in my stomach.

If your answer is B, I completely understand but I want to hear your arguments.

If your answer is C, I completely understand that too. But I will probably feel bad so will withdraw for sometime and act needy at the same time. Please hold my hand through it. I will take time but I will be alright eventually. And I need a BIG gesture from you to ensure that your feelings towards me as a friend is not diminised, or even if it is, I want you to tell me that and if you want, you too can withdraw and act needy at the same time and I will hold your hand through it.

D...

Thursday Afternoon:

You know how you said, you don't know whats missing in your life?

I know that hollow feeling, I have experienced it too.

I have EVERYTHING going in my life, yet I am unhappy. 

So I think its you, you are missing from my life. I think thats what my soul misses.

You are home. I think. 

When we want to believe in something, we make up lies around it to fit our notions. May be its just that.

My mother used to tell me often "K ko saathi-saathi?!" "K ko jaile taile ko saathi-saathi"

Today, after having flown 500 miles to a city I've never been before, after taking a loan to arrange for tickets, after having laundered money I should've ideally used to pay my phone bill, and chose to fly all the way here, ignoring my deadlines and compromising my professional relationships, right at this moment, my mother's word ring in my ears.

Now I know she was right.

But

I will not feel sorry for myself, no. (Only assholes feel sorry for themselves)

I will not reduce my gesture that was borne out of immense love and fondness, and call it a foolish decision (as my mind is trying to convince me)

I'm glad I made this trip. It's been... pivotal.

For starters I realised that I was living in a state of nostalgia. I so desperately am trying to hold on to something, something that has... Died... Maybe a while ago.

Here I was, determined, that I want to salvage the friendship.

Because there was a time, a long time ago, where you taught me love myself. And for that I'm grateful. Indebted.

But today, I know, that we can't even continue to be FRIENDS.

This changes everything.
I will never be able to look you in the eyes, I will never look at your face. And I cannot physically bring myself to talk to you. There's always a lump in my throat.

Things will never ever go back to how they were before. I will never get that feeling again. People outgrow each other and that's perfectly okay.

I wish you all the happiness in the world (I have never wanted anything else for you) and all the best for your new life.

"If we meet again, why we shall smile.
Else, tis a parting well made."

Sorry. Not sorry.