Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend.

All of us have that one friend we regret losing. You blame them at that moment. You blame yourself now. Sometimes you look back at all the sleepovers you've had together; at others you try and analyze what went wrong. You wish you could turn back time and undo or never do the things you did. You think if only she was a bit more adjusting things would've been different now. Guilt consumes you when you realize it was all your fault. That you could've done things, made amends to salvage the friendship. But the only truth is that you've lost forever whatever you guys had and whatever you guys could've had.

Death Begets Life

The silence that accompanies death is so heavy and depressing and damp. I can feel myself getting pulled into an opaque liquid. It’s slowly pulling me down; a force tightly holding both of my feet and pulling me down with all its strength. It’s heavy dampness drenching every part of my body, foot upwards. First my knees, then my thighs, next my hips. Slowly it consumes me. I extend my hands into the lightness of air. I know I have to stay calm. I know I cant, shouldn’t fight it. The more I fight, the quicker will be the consummation. Now its upto my chest. My breath begins to shorten. I take quick short breaths. Its level rising slowly. But somehow it seems to be moving to fast. Maybe it’s the desire in me to see more of life that makes the slow sink towards death seem faster. Its upto my neck now, my chin; I take one last gulp of that precious air and shut my eyes tight. Im under it now. I hold on to that last gulp of breath. It gets harder by the second. My lungs begin to burn and demand a fresh refill. My ears are blocked. In the end I have no other option but to breathe in the dampness. I open my eyes to look death in the face.

That gulp of air that I’d expected to be damp is surprisingly sweet and fresh. My lungs take another large swig of it; a mad rush into every alveoli, like a new born taking that miraculous first breath in the open air. It’s not all that bad in this dampness. The darkness I’d expected down here is actually sparking because the sun filters through and makes pretty patterns.

Therefore I say, let go and take in the dampness. Plunge into the womb of dampness and be born again.

The Meaninglessness of Being

Has anyone ever noticed that as your exam dates draws closer and closer every little insignificant activity seems to gain a new-found fascination and you plunge into it, heart body and soul? Take cleaning your room for example; I wouldn’t be bothered at normal times about the condition of my room but come exam time I get busy arranging the novels in alphabetical and size order; I even clean all the masala containers, wrapping up the contents into newspaper, cleaning the container, wiping them clean and filling it with the masalas again; it fills me with a sense of achievement. I mean can life ever get any more meaningless? Sigh.

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

Im not really a poem kinda person but this one jus converted me.

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

How's That For an Anti-Climax!!

So the other day, my friend Rosko (more bout her later) and I had gone to Chandni Chowk for some work (she needed to exchange a recorder, cuz she needed to record her guruji sing, cuz she's a dancer, cuz she's awesome, cuz she's a super-woman).
Anyhoo, I LOOOVE Chandni Chowk. Its one of the places in Delhi that never fails to embrace you and make you a part of itself. You know how it is once you get there, you cant help but lose yourself amongst its rich history, the buzzing crowd, warm wafts of mouth watering street food, ballimaran market, paranthe wali gali...aaaah-total bliss. But little did we know our medieval romance was soon going to turn into a modern horror!

It jus so happened that as we walked out of the store we got caught in between a sudden rush of people and there were shoves and pulls. But you know it’s Chandni Chowk and you accept it as being normal. But also in this instant, you get this minor inkling like wait a minute this woman shouldn’t push me the way she is even if it’s crowded and you’re like something isn’t right. That split second after this realization hits you, you put your hand inside your bag to check your wallet, and wadyaknow, its missing. And this is precisely what happened that day with Rosko. And the funny part is as soon as you realize that it has actually has happened , that you’ve actually lost your wallet and you try to look around you to figure out who’s taken it, the “crowd” has miraculously vanished and you’re suddenly standing in the middle of the pavement, eyes brimming with tears of helplessness, a friend looking at you with sympathy, wallet lost and along with it your atm card your college ID card and the cute little love notes that you’ve preserved cuz your best friend had given it to you.

You see them everywhere in Delhi; you know these shady-lookin-women who move about in gangs. You always look at them with suspicion and contempt and when you catch yourself doing that you scold yourself a little for acting elitist and discriminating people for their financial background. But there’s no smoke without fire. I can guarantee you that every one out of five people you talk to about such “gangs” will have a story to tell you. This is my story.

So anyway as I was saying, the two of us went there cuz she needed to get her tape recorder exchanged. After Half an hour of witnessing and learning some invaluable lessons on the tape recorder business, we came out of the shop. All of a sudden we were swamped by a sea of people. But it’s Chandni Chowk and you don’t think anything about it. However, Rosko noticed hat this woman was pushing her a bit too hard, unnecessarily. Initially she jus shrugged her off disgusted at teh thought that the woman was trying to feel her up but then she noticed that it was a bit too rough to be a feel-up. Then the crowd dispersed as quickly it had formed. And then it hit her, the realization that something wrong had happened and she rummaged her jhola for her wallet and wadyaknow it was gone, missing, not there. Obviously our first suspect was that woman in the orange sari, henceforth referred to as Orange Sari. Here we were in the middle of Chandni Chowk, not knowing what to do next. And the funniest part was we knew who had stolen the wallet but we din know what to do about it. Helpless, Rosko started to cry. We couldn’t confront Orange Sari cuz you never know, she could’ve started screaming and shouting and we couldn’t t possibly bark back at her. Besides, we din know if she was part of a nexus and she might have jus passed on the wallet to someone else. So we did what we could do. We followed Chor and her gang. They were all goody natural, having their kulfi, acting as if everything is normal. Everything’s so hunky-dory. We actually followed her through half of Chandni Chowk. It looked like a scene right out of a tranatino movie. Wrought high with suspense and tension; Foreheads beading of sweat, hearts beating fast, black and white slo-mo, a lone voice singing a wailing a fast paced tune in the background… What’s going to happen next? There was no actual confrontation. This little game continued for a while.

What happened next was something even Tarentino himself would not have been able to conceive of. In a flash of a moment the Orange Sari quickly put her hand into her bag, threw the wallet onto the pavement and continued with her stroll as if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place. I mean talk about shamelessness.

At this Rosko picked up the wallet and shouted “thank you auntyji! Churake waapus karne ke liye!”

Before We Grew Up

You know how when you’ve been staying in a place long enough you attach certain incidents and memories with certain places…like going to Saket always reminds me of the time when my brother Ray and I went there for the first time, back when we were just eight and twelve, and there was no sign of any fancy-schmancy mall, just a lone and humble cinema complex. We’d been left on our own to explore the city alone for the first time. I remember our dad handing us fifty rupees each. My brother and me, otherwise as quarrelsome as any siblings can be, dutched our money together and bought a pizza. Back then, Mountain Dew (I hadn’t discovered I disliked carbonated drinks yet) was just coming up and in bid to promote their product among the people, was giving out free bottles. Ray and I excitedly stood in queue and got ourselves a bottle each. Till date, the memory of the two of us sitting in some shady corner of the cinema complex, sharing a box of pizza and gulping down Mountain Dew remains one of the most memorable times I’ve spent with him.

Of course after that we both grew up and got busy with our own sets of friends but even today, every time I pass by that place, in my mind I can see two kids, amazed and dazzled by the big city lights, sharing a simple moment of happiness.

The Post in Which I give a Short Introduction of Me Life!!

Well, its been almost a week since my first entry and I realised that I haven’t really formally introduced myself. So, here it goes!

>I moved to Delhi three years ago, straight after my class 12 boards got over. I’d been living with my brother and mom in a sleepy little town under tall fir trees, surrounded by the mighty Himalayas. My dad had been here for the past 14 years then, and since my mother took care of my schooling, it was his duty to take care of college. So I got on a plane and landed in Delhi in May 2007. Having been used to the breezy sunshine of the mountains, the first few months in delhi felt like sheer hell. I felt like turkey getting roasted in an oven (i looked like it even). There couldn’t have been a worse month to start a new life in delhi.

>I don’t sleep. Im an owl. Seriously, its 6:43 am right now and I haven’t slept a wink!

>I loooove music. When I listen to music I can feel it in my bones and running through my veins. My music career, sadly was brought to an screeching halt by the untimely demise of my guitar. I’ll buy a new one soon, but you know how it it, the heart needs to heal from the previous loss. im still in mourning.

>I’m graduating this April with history honours!! It’s a fun really. Really interesting debates in class. From the authenticity of the Mahabharat and Ramayan to the role of women in the French revolution. It’s the exams that spoil the deal.

Yaaaaaawwwnnnnnnhhhhhhhmmmm...Maybe I should get some sleep afterall. Sigh.

This Bull Ain't Flyin No More...

This blog was supposed to be about my trip to Jaipur, but the events in the last 48 hours prompts me to write about something else.

          In this modern age of cut-throat competition where being an opportunist is the safest way to play, where does loyalty in terms of friendship stand? Is it prudent to quit a job because there's been a scandal in office and everyone handing in their resignation letters is the only way of showing solidarity, even though this job is probably everything you need at the moment to keep you sane, secure, financially and otherwise?

            I've been working with a reputed Energy Drink Company for the past one year. This trip to Jaipur was supposed to have been an official one. At round 8 pm the night before I got a frantic call from my friend. It turned out to be a conference call and there were around eight of us involved. Needless to say everyone was impatient, and a bit scared to know what the deal was, after all the conference was called by our boss. After several rounds of girls going ‘what’s going on’ ‘whats happening’ ‘is everything ok’ sniggers and giggles our boss finally managed to shut us all up. There was brief moment of silence an then she uttered a sentence that led to a chain reaction of short phrases of ‘but why and noo you can’t do this and It’s not fair. She had filed in her resignation papers that morning and she’d rather we hear it from her than someone else break the news to us. I was silent. I didn’t know what to say. My mind started to flip through arguments and counter arguments; I’d miss her a hell lot without a doubt but I also knew that she’d taken the right decision. Opinions were put forward; abuses were hurled at the person whom we all thought was behind this decision. It was left unsaid but everyone knew what we had to do; we are a sisterhood, sticking up for each other is what we do.

                I myself had been contemplating discontinuing with the company for a while but I never procured enough guts to actually do it. Also, the job was eating into my study time hampering my overall academic performance. This year particularly being my last and most crucial one, I had no other option but to give in my hundred percent and do what I had come to Delhi to do-study and graduate, get into a good job, earn ample money to send back home so that everyone would look at my mother and tell her how good a job she’d done raising me.

              Here I was, three years after moving to Delhi, after having rather miserably managed to balance studying and a job, after having built friendships that I knew I’d cherish all my life, after having shared my life’s crests and troughs over a plate of burnt Ramen at four in the morning with my girls, forced to make one of the toughest decisions my 21 years of life had managed throw my way. What do I do? Do I bite my tongue (pocket/wallet) and take one for the team and actually quit the job? ‘Cuz if I hadn’t, my small-town guilty mind would not have let me sleep or face the mirror without persecuting me for betraying my team jus ‘cuz I needed to save my ass; not everything is about money. It was like I needed to tell myself that friendship and loyalty and dignity still held priority in my life. I hadn’t changed into a money-minded selfish bitch. But what bout the fact that I’d have to return to totally-broke days; so broke I’d cancel luncheons with friends cuz I knew I’d be unable dutch when the waiter brought the bill. And isn’t all this part of growing up? We all have to move on someday. And besides, one has to be practical at times. There is no place for emotional fools in today’s world. Everyone will jus take advantage of you, use you and throw you. Was I not losing an opportunity to learn skills about the corporate world? And what about my mother, wouldn’t I be letting her down? Wasn’t I getting back to being a burden on her again?

                  These thoughts kept playing in my mind over and over again till I realized it was already 6.30 in the morning and the sky was turning light pink. There were people in the park below my house practicing yoga and taking their early morning jogs already. I needed to get some sleep. I was to meet a friend at nine.  

       

                    The same topic was discussed over lunch with her too.

                  As I write this last sentence, I have made my decision; one that I know my mother will be proud of: I stand for friendship. I stick by my girls. I stick by my team.

It’s not a tale of opportunities lost but of friendships gained.

Why Blog?

Why Blog?

...because when you're only ten days away from giving one of the most important exams in your life, your brain comes up with the most weirdest of ideas to distract you from your path and jack your life! And the funny thing is, you listen to it; you let it guide your hands, pick up that laptop, access Facebook, read a silly blog and make you believe that you can do better or that you can get better doing it. Another part tells you to haul up your ass and get back to studying; it’s a classic case of Good vs. Evil really. Hmmm..what does Small Girl do? She decides to side with the Devil! No place for a good girl in this world. If you can’t beat 'em, join 'em!!

First things first. What is my blog going to be about? After thinking for five minutes, I think, why does it have to be about anything in particular anyway? I mean, why compartmentalize, why be so rigid? Why not write about just anything under the sun? Sounds easy, doesn't it? Well, actually it’s not. I remember, in my second year of college, our English professor told us, we can give a presentation in class about "anything under the sun". Can I talk about my nails? My school? My religion? The world-famous Darjeeling tea? Man! I struggled for days on end to zero down to a topic. So you see, I realized, I need to set a boundary for myself and what I'm going to write about.


Okay! Drumroll please...my blog is going to be about my friends, my life, my beliefs, my travels etc., for now. Yawn! Been there, done that, right? But hear me out! With this blog, I intend to vent myself in a world that tends to become claustrophobic for my liking at times. Also, I intend to give you a laugh every day!

For now, the angel in me wants to get back to studying!

So until next time, keep laughing!!